It’s been on of those weekends that people write to me about. My heart is aching.
Yes, Alison, your friend is gone. It’s the “anniversary of when…” I wish that I could go back and stop all that happened, to stay in the back row and never connect with these parts of myself. Not because of all the reasons that one might think, but to save everyone from the pain. I wish that I could change all the pain so many people are in.
Whirlwind, really, up and down. Life reminds me of a carousel, of getting on the brightly painted horse that is forever frozen in time with his tail held high and his reins back. For eternity, he raises a foot and moves, just to find himself right back where he was once again. It’s an illusion that you’re making progress, that you’re living when your just blinded by the business and going with the music. So many people live life that way, on their carousel horse, unwilling or unable to let themselves stand outside the painted “should be” scenery.
Funny, I own two such horses, both on poles wrapped with ribbon. They’re only fourteen inches high. I’m working on the nursery now, getting it more to what I want for the youngest of the young. Brian is laughing at my excitement. I still have the chance to add several hundred stars to the ceiling when no one is looking. 🙂 Maybe I will wait until Brian is here with me so that my balance doesn’t cause any more stuff I have to fix to be healthy again.
Contemplating tonight, I am struck by the beauty of the fire in the “man cave.” The girls are gathered near the flames, watching my EPad, alternating playing movies and games. They’re amazingly beautiful girls. Clayton comes home from his Army training and his six month absence from our lives in two short weeks – and then my darling daughter moves to California. Round and round life goes, all the ribbons flying on the poles. I finally know what I want out of this whole thing though; and it’s done. My first novel is totally finished, ready to print up and box, ready to hit the courier service to it’s own destiny. Maybe that is nothing. Maybe not. I have a good feeling about it – something that I’ve been missing for a year now.
Hope for the sake of hope alone.
Home.
Peace.
No more sorrow.
I’d like to beleive that it’s all true, but it lasts in spurts, this ending of the sadness. Brian and I talked about discontinuing my meds for a while to see how well I’ll do – I’m okay with that. Save one emergent thing that I can keep around, I am pretty safe to wean off now. The “desire of my heart” read “the new baby” is more important to me than being a little blue. I’ll just have to cheer up, now won’t I?
I passed my ethics exam (yea!) and am quickly finishing most of the assigned work in my classes. They’re fun but way less than what I am accustomed to. I love the school, though. I am looking forward to doing my practicum next semester and seeing clients, then off to that elusive internship, studying for the license test. Wow. Counseling is abut my favorite part of psychology – I like diagnosis, but the actual work with pharmacology, when the client really wants to improve life – that is so great.
Well, back to watch the carousel horses of lives while I stand on the edge, then gallop off to my next family adventure. D is coming home again soon, and that will be a good thing. In the silence that is left where the dead used to live, other sparks of light are beginning to fill in, the anticipation of new and healthy life to take the place of the toxicity that was choking me. It’s good that I know now, all that I didn’t before. It hurt like hell.