Are there such thing as modern fairy tales? Does love conquer any time and space to come together? What is the difference between a soul tie and a soul bond, and are both a gift of God? How do you answer all these questions when they end with “Should I stay or go?”
Love. It's the stuff the world is made of.
On any given day, I may listen to the stories of many heartbroken people, but rarely am I brought to tears as I am today. I must admit that this time, I hope that my answer is more of God than of me. So I revert momentarily to the genre of my youth to recount part of Juliette’s letter; obviously I am taking some literary license. Still, when Elves and Faerie Queens battled with Drow or the dark lord Sauron, the simplest story is a place where possibility is endless and dreams come true. (My special nod to the Hobbit, LOTR, Grimm Brothers and Jim Henson.)
Once upon a time in a place far, far away, a boy met a girl and fell in love. The boy had no business falling; he simply fell. It wasn’t intended or planned, he did not seek her or even welcome the feeling. Still, there it was day by day, growing stronger in a crowded room. He watched her laugh and smile, interact with others and even from across the crowded space he knew in his heart that she was the one.
Days became weeks, weeks became months and what started out as friendship grew soul deep and strong. Yet, he never spoke of his feelings, never confessed that he waited every moment apart to hear her laughter again. His world was grey when she wasn’t in it; he began to suffer slightly from the shock of it all. She was quickly becoming the air that filled his lungs, the breath of life to his newly waking dreams. When he looked at her, he saw the possibility of a life that he could have never imagined, could never admit to wanting until that moment.
On the day that the boy could no longer contain his feelings, he told the girl. In a rush of emotion, he lay his soul bare, his intense longing, his fear, the magic he felt in her intelligence, in her smile. She reacted with all the honor that he expected of her…the girl walked away. Before she turned he saw it there in her eyes that same special bond. He was the one. The boy walked away, too.
The boy of once upon a time returned to his family, and the girl to hers. Both were already committed to another. And they lived…..and they lived…..and they lived. Her tears fell, time passed and still she wanted to say “I love you.”
Your question, Juliette, is not “how do I tell him I love him” as much as “am I ready to change my entire life, change the family that I love, leave the life that I know….for this man.” You say that while you “love” your husband as a person, there is no love there anymore. I do not envy you this situation.
I can tell you right now that I have no answer for you. The answer is inside you; it”s in that struggle you’re feeling. I don’t have the facts of your story, nor the facts of his. All I can tell you is what comes to me in prayer.
As I sit here in my office looking out the window that I love, I think back to the time when my own marriage – the first one, not the present one – ended. I remember the day that my former husband packed his things, and the strangeness in the house with just our two daughters and I. The alarm seemed more important to me, and I was totally uneducated on how or why to date anyone. Slowly, things turned into joy at home. There were many valid reasons for us to part, and it had become a bad situation. My children adapted to the new life, understanding that this was not their fault. When I remarried, a new chapter in their life opened, a new influence of a person that has been supportive and nurturing to them. Brian in my girls life is a blessing, an honest gift. He’s my best friend…really, even before we married.
Really important personal note: I should take this moment to say that my former hubster and I are good friends today, and we raised both of our daughters to understand that they bore no fault, that belonged to Dad and I. My former husband is an excellent person and I have a deep friendship sort of love for he and his family. He is well and leads a normal, happy life that I am really grateful for.
In the cold light of writing this all sounds easy, reasonable maybe even simple. It certainly didn’t feel like it at the time. I knew that past behavior from both of us was a predictor of future behavior. The truth of it is we were miserable together, and I believe the kids knew that. Honestly, even when things were “fine” they weren’t “fine.” I was miserable from the inside out and desperately realized too late that I had married the wrong person way to young in my life. Again, he was and is a noble, decent person. He just wasn’t the one to use your phrase. We were young and passionate about each other. The months grew to years, work and economy took a toll on our underdeveloped communication and one day there was nothing left for us to talk about anymore. The only thing that we had in common was our children, and they were our first consideration. Dr. Phil has a quote that I realized as true long ago:
“Don’t stay together for the children. Remember, kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. They’re much better off with one well-adjusted, happy, thriving parent, than they are with two who are cheating, lying, fighting, and living with stress and pressure.” Read more from Dr. Phil here.
I can validate that as a child of divorce. My parent’s marriage of 25 years failed when he left for another woman. I don’t bear any ill will toward my Dad, who died in 1995. It wasn’t always easy, but he was a good father when I was with him. I was four when they divorced. Mom was a great Mom. I don’t have a single memory of them in the same room. I can’t imagine a conversation between my parents: they were near polar opposites. In this I agree with Dr. Phil, considering the animosity that was generated between my parents from their divorce on: it’s better for children to be from a broken home than in one. Here is my addition. It’s way better to be the child of a person that doesn’t vent their feelings on you and use you as a pawn in ongoing war. So my first recommendation to you is this:
- What is best for your children?
- What is your life game plan for raising them to be emotionally healthy adults? Do you have one now?
- Is your relationship strained? Can it be better? Is there buy-in for both of you to seek serious counseling? Is there addiction, emotional or physical abuse in the home?
- Are you teaching the children healthy communication by modeling it?
- Are your children being raised publicly one way and privately another?
- Is there a social demand or strain on your relationship that can be changed?
- If the marriage is unsalvageable as you indicate, will both parents agree to co parent and be totally supportive of the children, leaving them out of the problems.
Your children will model your relationships through their entire life. What they need are loving parents – toward each other and toward them. This is your first and greatest priority. Children will intuitively pick up on a lack of trust, deception or hypocrisy faster than the senses dulled adults that we’ve become.
You asked what a soul tie is, and the short answer is this: two human souls (male/female in any combination) that have a deep attachment unaffected by distance or time. It doesn’t have to be romantic or physical. The deepest soul ties we form are to our true friends and people we love. I consider them a blessing, really. I don’t believe that a person can have a soul tie just by physical contact such as a romance or affair. They’re based in honest love.
A soul mate can also be a combination of m/f, but is more often found in romance relationships. It’s not the division of one soul into two, but of two like souls that fit together. Think of it as puzzle pieces that were made in a very special, unique shape, able to connect on all four sides. You’ll find soul mates with deep ties in mind, spirit and body. Like a soul tie, it’s unaffected by time and distance. Soul mates can be separated for months or years then reunite like no more than a moment has passed, they share a deep and intense comfort in each others space and a unique unspoken trust that is rarely broken, even when given cause.
It’s just my opinion but telling the man that you believe you have found “forever” with that you love him is …. premature. You need to say that to the woman in the mirror. Jumping from one relationship to another rarely works out well, even if you’ve both emotionally checked out long ago. You have to know who you are and where you’re going in life before you know what you can offer. Go very slowly and be best friends. Discover what life is about. Money comes and goes, people grow and change; you are your constant in the universe. If he loves you now, he will love you then, too. If not, he isn’t worth what you’re going through.
My second thought: see a counselor who can help you deal with your real issues, not one with an agenda. If keeping your marriage together at all costs is the preferred outcome and you don’t share the goal, this isn’t going to help you. The decision to stay or go both have life long consequences, and no one can make it for you. No one has the right to color your judgement; it’s your destiny at stake. Have someone you can be honest with that isn’t going to label you with a bunch of convenient disorders. Find the core issues and deal with them, not the symptoms.
I have learned a lot about love in my 44 times around the sun. It’s never cut and dried, it’s never simple. I’ve been honored to truly and deeply fall in love, and it’s been difficult to know the right things to do in my own life. Love isn’t a feeling and it’s not something that you can hocus pocus away if it is at all real. You can’t change what has modified your soul at the cellular level. No one can advise you or tell you that it’s going to heal: you’re not broken. You are different. You will be different again. It’s the nature of growth.
Love was intended to give you wings and encourage you to be all that you can imagine. It takes work and 100% commitment. Right now at this moment, I can summon all the love that I have to give as a person, close my eyes and look straight into the most remarkable pair of blue eyes. I will never forget the moment that they struck me as beautiful. Looking back at me was the one. If I spend tomorrow and all the rest of my tomorrow’s with only memories of him, there will never be a time when we’re apart. It is just the way that it is….I am different. Changed. He makes me want to be a better person….just being himself.
Juliette, words don’t say “I love you.”
It’s in your actions, in how you honor one another,
in how you beleive that faith, hope and love have a place in your world.
Love will not fail, even when it’s broken it’s promises.
Love is believing when all cause for hope is gone.
Whatever you decide, the rules of life still apply. Want to hear them again?
Treat everyone with love and kindness, including yourself.
Tell the truth. Your honor is worth more than the lie.
Realize that you have one life to live, and it’s a remarkable journey. Don’t waste it.
Smile. Mean it.
Offer your last cookie to someone who needs a friend.
Hug.
Don’t gossip.
Everything is clearer after a good nap.
Drink clean water, eat whole food, move your body and get adequate sleep.
What you put out in the world ~ good or evil ~ will return tenfold.